EXCERPT FROM "THE BIG BOOK OF GAMES AND SPORTS, CHAPTER 6: TETTLE"

BY THADDEUS SOLBRIDGE*

Tettle, “the Game of Kings”, is a popular team sport played alone or with others. It is played with a bat (or racket) and ball, though modern games tend not to use a ball. It has enjoyed popularity throughout the cosmos due to its accessibility, simple rules and ease to master.

Beginning a Game:

Before play, a time limit is agreed upon with all other players and spectators, then, when all tettlers are ready, as decided by the umpire, the game begins. The players then take it in turns to move, beginning with the player who starts first and continuing counter-clockwise around the pitch.

Goal:

The aim is to score as many points (or ‘breeches’) as possible before a round (an ‘over’) is over. Some games can last as long as a full over, whilst others can be won after just one breech is scored. Breeches are scored when a player (or team) reaches the opponent’s wicket before the other player (or team) reaches it. Your opponent is also trying to reach your wicket however the game primarily involves stopping your opponent. Whilst critical injuries are frequent, tettle is strictly a non-contact sport. Players who seem eager to violate this rule may be sin-binned by the umpire, however umpires who seem too eager to enforce this rule may be similarly sin-binned by the players.

Scoring:

Each player, umpire and spectator have their own, individual scores, which are totalled, then divided for the team scores. If for example, three teams are playing those totals are thirded to make the team’s total. Scoring uses a standard base-twelve numbering system from 54 to 9. Players begin with 0 (a nullion) breeches and score 3.33 on their first breech. This is known as a ‘flag’ as once a flag is scored, the umpire waves a flag to signal the beginning (or ending in some cases) of the game. Another breech earns them 6.93 and so on until 54, ‘a jack’, is scored. This returns the player’s score to one flag but now they have the advantage and if they score another jack before the other player then that player’s score is reset to a nullion.

If players reach the same score (known as deuce), neither player can play until the other scores, resetting both to null. A player scoring when at deuce is known as ‘upending’ the other player and is seriously frowned upon in the tettle community.

Umpires:

There are three umpires per game, each allocated to a player as impartial judges. Their role is to settle disputes on behalf of the players and ensure they gain an advantage. Since the only known official rule book was famously lost in a fire, umpires must consult their own memories. Incidentally, rumours persist that the fire did not destroy the only known official rule book, but the only known official forgery of the rule book and the true rules of tettle are still out there, waiting to be rediscovered.

Umpires are not allowed to see the players prior to the game to avoid conspiring with each other, however they may meet if they are blindfolded. Furthermore, although sponsorship is strictly forbidden in tettle, umpires are technically separate from the sport and so are often ‘sponsored’ by fans. All umpire decisions are final.

Rule Variants:

Since the only known rule book has been lost, tettle relies on an unwritten rule book, and thus, there are a number of variations of the rules. Of the dozens of variants, the most popular are ‘tettle league’ and ‘tettle union’, which are identical but for the shape of the bat.

Sometimes disagreements over the rules halt games or escalate into fights between fans, umpires and players, often on the same team. Lengths of disputes vary from a day to a month, with additional games of tettle being played to settle them.

History:

Disputes over the rules of tettle are inseparable from the game itself and go back to well before its inception when tettle was played between neighbouring villages with a severed head instead of a ball. Early advocates of the game, Martin Tettle (after whom the game is not named) and John Tettle (no relation) had to halt play when each had assumed the other would provide the severed head. They argued and fought, only relenting when they resolved to use their own heads and thus tettle was invented. Nowadays, games do not use a ball for this reason.

*Whilst other chapters revolve around traditional, well known sports and games, tettle is not a traditional game. This is, in fact, the earliest known reference to the game of tettle. Additionally, whilst Solbridge espouses the game’s doubtful popularity and speaks with purported knowledge, there is no evidence that Solbridge had any expertise in, or knowledge of, tettle or any other sport for that matter.

ANAX.