A WHITE BEAR IN A GORDIAN WEB

Hello, hello, come in, take a seat, we’ll be a little while. Now, do you remember me? No? Good, excellent. Ah, yes, I know this appears to be your first time, but that is in fact part of the procedure. We’ve already met, but how are you? How’s the family? Good. Good. Now, I’m sure you have many questions and that’s why we have this consultation first before we begin any kind of disconnecting. Now, let me explain. 

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Ah, you’re awake, excellent. How do you feel? A little dizzy, here, have this. Yes, I know, it won’t make complete sense at first, you will experience a little bit of confusion as your mind attempts to piece together the memories it’s lost, but that’s quite normal, don’t dwell on it, the key thing is that you don’t remember what you don’t remember, right? What did I remove? Now, that would defy the purpose of the procedure, wouldn’t it? 

***

Ah, hello again, it’s always a pleasure to see a friendly face. That’s quite alright, my name’s Dr. Alan Saudade and… Don’t worry, I know your name, but it’s a pleasure to meet you again. So, it’s been a while, I know, but you don’t recall your last procedure? No, no, that’s a good thing, I just thought I left a little bit in. You don’t remember?

Well, ordinarily, we remove the experience of the procedure itself to avoid the question of why it took place to begin with. We find that question often leads patients to ask what memory they wanted to remove which ultimately leads them to rediscover the unwanted memory again. So, for good measure, we leave that bit out.

Then why did I…? Well. That’s a good question, I left you with some memory of the procedure, because, in your case… You see we don’t normally recommend this number of removals. How can I explain…?

Most people like to imagine the mind as a computer. They think that memories are like files that can simply be deleted. But the brain, your mind, is infinitely more complex. There’s no perfect analogy, but it’s much closer to a web and every intersection on the web isn’t an idea but represents the atom of an idea. Connect enough of those atoms together and when they’re stimulated together, you have what you would call an idea or a feeling or a memory.

Do you follow? You see, every single one of those ideas is connected to each other in ways that might never be fully realised. One neuron might be used to think a million different thoughts. And the thoughts themselves aren’t preserved perfectly in the mind. The memory only exists when it is remembered. And in remembering, connections are strengthened, others are weakened, the memory is permanently changed.

I’m sorry, you’re right, my point. My point is that although we do use computers, the portrait chip only maps your neurons. When I go in and create new connections, severing others, it’s not a digital change, but a physical one. And there’s only so much physical change of this nature that is healthy.

No, no, we never promised that, that’s what I’m trying to say. All we do is reroute the connections so that not every thought will lead back to the unwanted one. That’s all we can ever do.

I know, I know, but listen to me. I can never completely remove that memory, it will always be with you and if your mind finds a new path there, then... I know. I’m sorry. I can’t change what happened. I can only do my bit to help, the rest is up to you.

I’ll perform one more procedure, but I won’t remove this conversation, do you understand? That way I hope you’ll remember that this isn’t the only help you can get. You can’t fix a complex problem with a simple solution. I’ve helped you all I can. Ok? Ok.

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Oh... Hello again. Take a seat. I suppose you don’t remember me…

ANAX.